Holiday humour

• One holiday Sunday the minister gazed wistfully at his tiny choir and depleted congregation and said with great feeling,
  "Our opening hymn will be O, for a thousand tongues to sing."
• The Parish newsletter reported that the curate would be celebrating for the next fortnight whilst the rector was on holiday.
• Some years ago I attended a Summer School for organists and choirmasters. At lunch on one occasion we managed to have three helpings of sausages and mash, followed by a sweet. The Chaplain at the end of the meal quoted from the Psalm 103 as the closing grace: Praise the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me praise his holy name.
• A North Country choirmaster was rehearsing the hymns for Sunday telling the choir the hymns they were to sing, and the tunes to which they were to sing them. He said, Now then Come ye that love the Lord to Southport.
  A voice called out, Where are thou tekkin t'rest of us?
• Two men were shipwrecked on a desert island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!
  The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy: Don't you understand? We're going to die!
  The second man replied, You don't understand, I make £100,000 a week.
  The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, What difference does that make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!
  The second man answered, You just don't get it. I make £100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that £100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!