A former Bishop of Guildford told this story of an ACCM selection conference held at his home for those hoping to be accepted for training for the ministry. The young men were told not to leave the grounds. The bishop had to go to Guildford and suddenly came face to face with one of the candidates who looked flustered and said:

"The Holy Spirit told me I must come shopping."

"Oh dear", said the bishop, "one of you must be wrong, it’s early closing day."

* * * * * *

At a visitation of a small church in his Diocese of North Carolina, Bishop Robert W. Estill decided to underline his talk to the young people about the Good Shepherd. So he found himself, clad in the full regalia of the episcopacy, including the impressive crook, facing the crowd of youngsters.

"Now" he asked, "do you know who I am?".

After a moment’s silence, one child ventured, "Little Bo Peep?"

The Communicant.

* * * * * *

A bishop invited all his junior clergy to join him at an unknown destination for a clergy refresher course. When the train finally stopped they were surprised to see that they had arrived at Dymchurch. One curate was heard to remark: "he could have chosen a more appropriate venue."

* * * * * *

After giving the address at a wedding in a northern cathedral, the organist complimented me with the words, "Thank you for your sermon. We always like having visiting preachers: it helps us to appreciate our own clergy all the more!"

in the Church Times.

* * * * * *

The sign read:

NO SERVICES ON M25

Underneath some wit added:

VACANCY FOR FULL TIME PRIEST

* * * * * *

Members of a local church discovered that the roof was leaking. The following Sunday the church secretary started his notices by apologising for THE DRIP IN THE PULPIT.

When I was a curate we had a special service at which there was such a big congregation, we had to borrow two different sets of hymn books. The vicar announced the first hymn. "Green 41, Blue 23, Red 66".

And someone shouted "Bingo!"

Rev. N N Jones in ‘The Sun’ letters pages.

* * * * * *

Church member: "Our Mary has swallowed a coin!".

Neighbour: "Send her to the minister, he can get money out of anybody".

* * * * * *

Until recent years many village nonconformist chapels were heated by a large coke stove situated in the middle of the room. One shrewd chapel steward, during the singing of the hymn before the sermon, used to put a whistling kettle on the stove. One week the visiting preacher commented afterwards that that was a sure way of timing the sermon! "Ah, yes sir", he replied, "but with some of the preaches us gets ‘ere, I only half fills the kettle."

* * * * * *

The visiting Baptist preacher had travelled from his home by train and the Sunday timetable made it imperative for him to make a quick departure after the service was over. By prior arrangement he had left his coat on the front pew, so after the benediction, he quickly left the pulpit, picked up his coat and joined the members of the congregation leaving the church. The steward on the door suffered from short-sightedness but did recognise the man in the queue was not a ‘regular’.

"You are a visitor here today, then?"

"Yes, indeed".

"Then come back next Sunday and hear a real sermon from our minister".

* * * * * *

The two schoolboys had always been bitter enemies during their student days. One entered the navy and became an admiral; the other a bishop. Years later, they met on a London railway platform. The bishop, who had grown very fat, swept up to the admiral, resplendent in his glittering uniform, and said, "Stationmaster, from which platform does the 10.15 leave for Sheffield?"

To which came the prompt reply, "Platform five madam, but in your condition, should you be travelling?".